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Boot new computer.
As is perfectly reasonable, networking isn't set up and doesn't default
to just asking for a DHCP lease. Why make assumptions?
(Also, for good measure, select a good, reasonable, headache-inducing
default screen refresh rate of 60 Hz, because if you pick a rate too
high you might burn out a perfectly good monitor that will be useless
forever, but if you set it too low, the human will easily recover from
the migraine in well under an hour.)
Look under Network settings. Only one icon shows up:
Make New Connection
Sounds promising, click on it.
Welcome to the Network Connection Wizard
You click "Next", and are presented with a series of paths to follow.
Dial up to private network ?
No, I just want to get a DHCP lease on the local LAN.
Dial up to the Internet ?
No, I just want to get a DHCP lease on the local LAN.
Connect to a private network through the Internet ?
No, I just want to get a DHCP lease on the local LAN.
Accept incoming connections ?
No, I just want to get a DHCP lease on the local LAN.
Connect directly to another computer ?
No, I just want to get a DHCP lease on the local LAN.
Sorry, that's it. You need to pick one of the above.
Shit. Okay, "Connect directly to another computer" sounds kind of close.
Kind of. Until you click "Next" to look at it.
Choose the role you want for this computer:
( ) Host. This computer has the information you want to access.
( ) Guest. This computer will be used to access information on the
host computer.
No, no no. Go back, randomly try "Accept incoming connections".
Selet the check box next to each device you want to use.
[ ] Direct Parallel (LPT1)
No no no! The VPN ones definitely don't look right, but then neither do
the dial-up ones. What the hell, try "Dial-up to the Internet".
The dialog goes away, and is replaced by
Welcome to the Internet Connection Wizard
Blah blah blah.
(*) I want to sign up for a new Internet account.
( ) I want to transfer my existing Internet account to this computer.
( ) I want to set up my Internet connection manually, or I want to
connect through a local area network (LAN).
YES! YES! THAT ONE RIGHT THERE!
How do you connect to the internet?
(*) I connect through a phone line and a modem
( ) I connect through a local area network (LAN).
THE SECOND ONE YOU SIMPLETON!
Select the method you would like to use to configure your proxy
settings. Blah blah blah.
+- Automatic Configuration -----------------------------------+
| |
| [ ] Automatic discovery of proxy server (recommended) |
| [ ] Use automatic configuration script |
| Address: [ ] |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
[ ] Manual proxy server
What? Huh? No, I just want a damned DHCP lease.
Do you want to set up an Internet mail account now?
(*) Yes
( ) No
And be saddled with Outlook or Outlook Express? I think not!
Completing the Internet Connection Wizard
Blah blah blah.
[X] To connect to the Internet immediately, select this box
and then click Finish.
Fine, whatever. "Finish".
An Internet Explorer window pops up and attempts to load www.msn.com.
Thirty seconds later...
The page cannot be displayed
The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The web site
might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to
adjust your browser settings.
(Neither of which is in fact true, but no matter.)
Please try the following:
* Click the _Refresh_ button, or try again later.
(No change.)
* If you typed the address, make sure that it is spelled correctly.
(N/A.)
* To check your connection settings, click the *Tools* menu, and
then click *Internet Options*. On the *Connections* tab, click
*Settings*. The settings should match those provided by your
local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service
provider (ISP).
(I *am* the lan admin in this case, and these instructions are plainly
on the wrong track.)
* If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows
can examine your network and automatically discover network
connection settings. If you would like Windows to try and discover
them, click _Detect Network Settings_.
Sounds promising! Click it!
[Nothing happens. But it takes a long time for nothing to happen.]
Wait longer.
[Nothing continues to happen. The mouse pointer is an arrow again.]
Give up and go back to your Mac or Linux machine.
Everything just works.
Yay.
--
Chris Devers
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